Military Moms: What About the Kids?

Written by Mary Welch Wednesday, February 17 2010

The term “military brat” tends to be a source of pride when children of the military describe themselves. But it also means moving frequently and often having a parent away from home for long stretches of time -- and possibly in harm’s way.

Up until recently, it was the father who was off serving his country while mom and kids did their patriotic duty by keeping the home fires burning and staying out of trouble.

Today, it may just as easily be a mom who is deployed overseas. So who is taking care of the kids and the home fires – especially when she may be a single mom who joined the military for the benefits and didn’t expect to be deployed? As of January 2009, the U.S. Army had a population of more than 1.1 million soldiers.

More than 501,295 U.S. Army soldiers have deployed since September 2001 – including 445,317 men and 55,784 women (the difference of 194 is because the soldiers' gender wasn't listed). About 10 percent of the troops deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan are women, most with children.

“What is important to know that there is an ongoing process for deployment,” says Ronna Garrett, director, human resources for the Deputy Chief of Staff, G-1; U.S. Army Forces Command.

“A unit will get an alert for mobilization and it will be months before the unit goes. That time is spent not only getting the unit ready for its mission, but also getting the family situation in place so there is no stress on the family and kids. It is important for our soldiers to know that the needs of their family will be met while they are serving their country.”

The home front mission, says Gigi Linder, chief of well-being, Soldier and Family Readiness; U.S. Army Forces Command, “is just as important as the military one.”

As part of this pre-deployment activity, counselors meet with each family to assess their needs, noting special ones such as language issues or lack of family caregivers. “We interview everyone because our goal is to find out what are the areas that could become a crisis, so it doesn’t. That’s the reason for all the preparation,” she says.

The service – regardless of whether it’s Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines – regular or reserves – attempts to make sure that the children – and the caregivers – are taken care of before, during, and after the deployment.

“We have consultants who meet with the family, but also with school officials, day care workers, doctors. We help them with financial management, upkeep for the home,” says Linder. “We want to get a feeling of how the family is before the deployment. That may tell us how it will be when the soldier – man or woman – is deployed.”

The Army is allocating $1.4 billion as part of the Army Family Covenant to fund a variety of family-assistance programs and projects.The Army Family Covenant focuses in particular on: 1. standardizing and funding existing family programs and services; 2. increasing accessibility and quality of health care; 3. improving soldier and family housing; 4. ensuring excellence in schools, youth services, and child care; and 5. expanding education and employment opportunities for family members.

Other military branches have similar programs.

To strengthen family relationships, Army chaplains use the Strong Bonds program, a unit-based, chaplain-led program that helps soldiers and their families build strong relationships. The program's mission is to provide skills the soldier can use to strengthen his or her marriage and other relationships. In order to maximize training effect, this relationship training is done in a retreat-style format, where soldiers and family members can get away in order to focus on their important relationships.

Strong Bonds has provided training to more than 60,000 active, Guard, and Reserve soldiers.

The Army pioneered a mental-health awareness and education program called the Battlemind Training System that helps to prepare active and Reserve soldiers as well as their families for the stress of war and also assists with the detection of possible mental health issues before and after deployment. It informs soldiers about the common signs and symptoms they may experience when readjusting after a combat deployment.

And, as any soldier will tell you, there is a vast support network among the families themselves.

“It’s a tight group. They offer companionship and other resources. Of course, not all families live on base or near other military families, so there is a website that covers just about everything that a family or caregiver would need. That’s been very helpful,” says Garrett.

Once a military mom (or dad) is deployed, the military works to ease the hardship.

“We have found, especially now since we have more women being deployed, that communication is so important. We make sure the families can email each other, have web cams and of course R&R. If there’s a family crisis, all the family has to do is notify the Red Cross and the military will do its best to get that soldier home,” Linder says.

The military also tries to help families by offering special camps for kids, helping with on-base housing, day care, and caregiver support. “We want to make sure that the caregiver is taken care of as well,” says Garrett.

Of course not everyone sees it the military way.

A George Mason University study says that teenagers are more likely to get into trouble if their mom is deployed – everything from bad grades, to smoking, fighting, and drugs. Lt. Col. Mona Ternus talked to 77 women who had recently been deployed. The majority of the kids, 75 percent, had no behavior problems before their mom went overseas, but that same number was engaging in one or more risky behaviors both during and after the deployment.

Ternus says many women, when they return home, express guilt for leaving their families. "How do we parent when there is post-traumatic stress or traumatic brain injury?” she asks.

The study indicated a significant number of the mothers, 36 percent, were single parents or had husbands who also were deployed. When they're gone, no primary parent is at home with the children.

Different kinds of arrangements are made, she says, sometimes involving grandparents, aunts, uncles, or siblings. In a few rare cases, kids are left by themselves.

Linder is willing to take that study on. “We are aware of that and its finding,” she says. “But we found that those teens who answered the survey were giving the answers that the study wanted.”

Another study by Drs. Leonard Wong and Stephen Gerras on the effect of multiple deployments on teenagers found some counterintuitive findings that challenge the conventional wisdom concerning Army adolescents. This study goes beyond merely explaining the impact eight years of war is having on the children of soldiers. Rather, it explores the specific factors that increase or alleviate stress on Army adolescents.

The results reveal that Army adolescents, contrary to what many believed, are much more self-aware and resilient. They are capable of understanding the multiple implications of having a parent serve in the all-volunteer Army during a time of war. Army children may experience the anxiety and stress that often surround a parent’s deployment, but results conclude that there are factors that policymakers, leaders, and parents can use to increase a child’s ability to cope with a life of repeated deployments.

In other words, this study maintains that there is no cumulative effect of the number previous deployments on the stress experienced by Army adolescents during a deployment. The study also found that Army adolescents are significantly more optimistic about how they are coping with deployments overall than their parents.

The factors that predict the lowest levels of stress during an individual deployment, in order of largest impact, are: 1. participation in activities such as sports; 2. a strong family; and 3. the adolescent's belief that the American public supports the war.

The factors that best predict a child’s overall ability to cope with a life of deployments, in order of the greatest effect, are: 1. a child's belief that soldiers are making a difference; 2. a strong family; 3. the adolescent's belief that the American public supports the war; and 4. a strong non-deployed spouse.

The study highlights the importance of keeping Army children busy with activities during a deployment and reinforces the central role of a strong family. But the study also brings to the forefront the often overlooked impact of the attitudes of Army adolescents in dealing with a life of recurring deployments. Concepts such as duty, sacrifice, and service are critical in helping Army adolescents persevere as children of today’s often deployed soldiers.

“We know it’s difficult,” Linder says, “but we are doing everything we can to ease the burden and sacrifices that everyone faces and makes as their loved one helps to protect our freedoms.”

Mary Welch is Atlanta city editor of Womenetics: and a freelance writer for the Atlanta Journal Constitution, Dawson Times, Plan Your Meeting magazine, and Atlanta Business magazine. She was editor-in-chief of Atlanta Woman magazine and editor of Business to Business and Catalyst magazines.