Taking Care of Aging Parents

Written by Melinda Ennis-Roughton Tuesday, January 12 2010

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Ron Fienberg's 86-year-old mother had been living alone as a widow for more than 10 years and doing just fine. Although she had raised her family in Columbus, Ga., she gladly moved to an Atlanta condominium when her husband died, to be near two of her sons.

Then she began complaining about intensely vivid dreams. Not long after, Feinberg was awakened by the sound we all dread - a phone ringing in the middle of the night. It was the police calling to say his distraught mother had alerted 911 that she heard a baby crying in her house, had looked for it everywhere, but couldn't find it.

If you're a baby boomer, you've probably heard a similar story. If not, consider yourself lucky for now.

"It's inevitable that someone you love will get older and sick or unable to take care of themselves," says Dr. Alexis Abramson, Atlanta, one of the nation's leading experts on aging and elder care.

Yet none of us wants to contemplate taking care of the ones who took care of us.

Especially hard is the act of parenting an increasingly childlike parent, as with an 86-year-old dad who recently walked into a car dealership decked out in a cowboy hat and boots. He managed to purchase a brand new SUV, smash it up within a couple of hours, drive the car back to the dealer's lot, and catch a cab back home. The family was left to deal with the wreckage, both physical and emotional.

These stories represent the tip of the iceberg as the elderly population explodes. The Pew Research Center estimates that about two in 10 baby boomers (those born 1946-1964) currently provide some form of care to parents. And, the U.S. Census Bureau predicts that as the boomers begin hitting 65+ over the next five years, the ranks of the elderly will increase by 40 percent.

Unfortunately, most of us are ill-prepared to deal with the issues that surface as people get older and live longer than any generation in history.

"It's the white elephant in the room," says Abramson. "No one wants to talk about it much less plan for it."

Abramson promotes communication and planning between adult children and aging parents regarding end-of-life care. She advises that you start when parents are healthy with an honest discussion about what they want, and she urges the adult children to listen and be open to all possibilities.

Empathy is also key. "How would you feel if you were asked to leave your home, move to a place you don't know, and eat dinner with strangers every night? " asks Abramson.

It's understandable that we want to ignore the "elephant." The issues that must be faced about loved ones are often soul-wrenching. Facing a parent's decline forces us to confront our own mortality.

"Every time I visit my mom at the assisted living home I get depressed," Feinberg says. "I know it's partly because I see my own future at a similar place." Feinberg's family put his mother in assisted living when her dementia worsened to a dangerous level.

There's a growing industry to meet the increasing need for elderly care; from adult day care centers to elder-care counseling franchises. The intensified competition has widened options, but can also be confusing.

"Most facilities and new adult day care options are good," says Abramson, "but some people see the graying of America and see money." Abramson advises that you check out options in the same way you would check out childcare. "You wouldn't leave your child in day care that hadn't been thoroughly vetted," she says.