Say ‘No’ with Intention & Grace

Written by Patti DeNucci Tuesday, November 29 2011

As women, we tend to be givers. We’re just wired that way. We are the nurturers and caregivers, seemingly endless sources of support for others. We are also capable, creative, wise, and resourceful beyond our own imaginations, able to multitask and run circles around many of the men we know.

A good thing, right? Well, maybe not.

As a result of our generosity and desire to save the world, most of us take on way too much. We listen, we offer advice, we take on projects, we take every call, we volunteer, and we say yes. A lot. We give, give, give – often to the detriment of our health, well-being, productivity, loved ones, and even our most precious and heartfelt goals and dreams.

And you know what else? A lot of our giving is underappreciated, unnecessary, unneeded, and even perhaps unsolicited. As author Byron Katie believes and teaches, there is our business, God’s business, and other peoples’ business. She says life can be so much easier and we can be so much happier if we can learn to focus on our business and stop trying to control everyone else’s.

Whatever you believe, I bet we can agree on this: It’s time to stop this crazy overdoing, overachieving, overgiving nonsense and find a balance between being generous with others and generous with ourselves.

This article includes a few snippets gleaned from Chapter 5 of my new book. My intention is that it gets you thinking about some of the ways you can shift your perspective, focus on what’s your business, begin saying “No thank you” more often, and discover why doing so could save your sanity, even your life.

Here we go:

Decide What’s Most Important to You. A very sensible friend of mine, writer and author Hope J. Lafferty, suggests you choose three areas of your life that are most important to you. For me these are: (1) my health and well-being, (2) my home and family, and (3) my work. In that order. Do I allow time for friends, hobbies, and volunteering for my community? Of course. But I’m very selective. And if any of those things align with my top three, all the better.

Learn to Say, “No Thank You.” This applies to requests, projects, events, invitations, and anything else that doesn’t align with your priorities, your mission, and your purpose. The reason we live by default and get sucked into so many things we don’t want or have time to do? We’re not clear on our identity, purpose, beliefs, priorities, and dreams. Do you know yours? If not, take some time, perhaps even a personal retreat, to discover who you are, what you believe in, your mission, and what’s “on purpose” for you. This is not frivolous; it’s a requirement. The happiest, healthiest, and most successful women I know do this. And not just once, but regularly.

If You Must Say Yes, Set Reasonable Limits. There will be times when obligation and responsibility prevail. For example, if you and your siblings are tending to your ill or aging parents or other family members, set some guidelines and boundaries proactively on when and how you can help and when it’s someone else’s turn. Divvy up the duties and demands. Likewise, if you are asked for advice from a needy friend or colleague or you are tapped to help with a project and you feel you absolutely must say yes, outline what you are able to do. Stand your ground. Stick to it. There are ways to find the sweet spot that allow you to be helpful and supportive of others while remaining true to your own desires, needs, and goals.

Give all Requests “The Overnight Test.” Contrary to popular belief, there is no rule that says you have to give a yes or no answer to anyone on the spot. So next time someone asks something of you, try this reply, “I’ll need to get back to you on that.” If they need an answer right away, bolster your courage and say, “If that’s the case, then I’m sorry, the answer has to be ‘no.’” One of my mentors, author, speaker, and Dream University founder Marcia Wieder, says, “If it’s not a clear ‘yes’, then it’s a ‘no.’” Wise and useful advice.

Create Policies. I love this one, and I use it regularly, thanks to my friend Dr. Ann Daly, author of Clarity: How to Accomplish What Matters Most. Policies are essentially decisions you’ve made in advance. Think of them as if/then formulas. Having policies removes a lot of the guilt and allows you to give firm answers to requests immediately. And the other person can’t take it personally because, hey, it’s your policy.

What policies can you create to preserve what’s rightfully yours? And how and where in your life and career can you begin saying more gracious yet firm “No thank yous?”

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Patti DeNucci is an award-winning writer, speaker, consultant, and author of The Intentional Networker: Attracting Powerful Relationships, Referrals & Results in Business (www.IntentionalNetworker.com).