Bereaved Israelis and Palestinians Give Peace a Chance

Written by Jan Jaben-Eilon Friday, December 09 2011

Snapshot: Robi Damelin, activist, Parents Circle/Families Forums
Robi Damelin is an activist in the Parents Circle/Families Forums (PCFF), a grassroots organization of bereaved Palestinians and Israelis that promotes reconciliation as an alternative to hatred and revenge. The PCFF includes more than 600 families, half of them Israeli and half of them Palestinian, all of whom have lost immediate family members in the bloody conflict between the two peoples. (watch the YouTube video)

A South African native who moved to Israel in 1967, Damelin became active in the PCFF after her son, David, was killed by a Palestinian sniper in 2002 during the Intifada, or Palestinian uprising. David, 28, was a student at Tel Aviv University working toward his master’s in the philosophy of education. He was part of the peace movement and did not want to serve in the occupied territories. Damelin, who ran a successful public relations firm before her son’s death, achieved some notoriety for daring to write a letter to her son’s murderer, who is serving time in an Israeli prison. In addition to participating in informational programs in Israeli and Palestinian schools, she also frequently travels to the United States to share her story.

Womenetics: Why did you write letters, first to the family of your son’s killer and later to the killer himself?
Robi Damelin: I was already a member of the Parents Circle. I had been talking about reconciliation, and I felt I needed to explore this. I don’t speak of forgiveness because I don’t know what that means. It would have been easier for me if they hadn’t caught the man, but I had already written.

Womenetics: What was in the letter your son’s killer wrote to you?
Damelin: It took awhile for it to get to me. It came through a Palestinian website, and one of the Palestinians in the group saw it, but the group didn’t think they should show it to me. They asked a friend of mine in the United States first. It was a letter of justification and about freeing Palestine. He said I should stay away from his family. I had known that when he was a young boy he saw his uncle killed by an Israeli in front of him, and he lost two more uncles during the Intifada. There was a great element of revenge for him. Then I got a second letter from him, and I didn’t know what to do. My son, Eran, said that it sounded like the beginning of a dialogue, so I wrote another letter about a year and a half ago. Now we wait.

Womenetics: How did you feel when you thought your son’s killer would be among those freed in the October exchange for Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit who had been held in seclusion for over five years?
Damelin: When the Gilad Shalit exchange happened, it was another test for me, to see if I meant what I’d been saying. I thought a human life was more important than revenge. The circle been very supportive of the Shalit family. The first announcement of the list of Palestinian prisoners to be freed reported that my son’s killer would be freed. I spent that weekend alone and troubled. I thought if we don’t free prisoners then their families might want to take revenge. I wasn’t sure I was being honest, but I wrote a poem and convinced myself that I believed what I’d been saying. The poem ended with, “Gilad came back, but you will never come back.”

Some people think I’m mad; other parents were mad at me: How could I do such a thing, to say I supported the guy’s release? Then when the final list of prisoners came in, the killer’s name wasn’t on it. It might have been easier if he had been released and sent away from the Middle East.

Womenetics: How do you think your involvement with the Parents Circle has helped you deal with your son’s death?
Damelin: I think it’s immeasurable. I can’t say what I would have done. I had had a successful PR firm with interesting clients, but my priorities changed. I was looking for something to do. I don’t think it’s therapy, but when people can tell their stories, it helps, especially for Palestinian mothers who don’t have many opportunities.

Womenetics: Do you sometimes feel closer to Palestinian mothers who lost their children in the conflict than you do to some Israelis?
Damelin: I just have some wonderful friends on both sides. I feel a great camaraderie with all mothers who have lost children. At first I was hesitant; I didn’t want to mix with other bereaved families. But they are the people who most understand what you’re going through.

Womenetics: Do you feel that Parents Circle has had an impact on the Israeli and Palestinian communities?
Damelin: It’s hard to measure. We do a lot of work in the schools. Last week six Israelis and six Palestinians spoke to some 300 students in several classes. When a Palestinian comes, for the average Israeli kid, it’s the first Palestinian they’ve met. The same thing happens in Palestinian schools. The kids have not met an Israeli who wasn’t a soldier or a settler (who lives in the West Bank.)

Since the second Intifada, there’s been a total cut off between the two communities. But it’s incredible how moved the students are, hearing our stories. We also have a summer camp. We have had a big impact. We are not just a bunch of bereaved parents doing a lot of work. Our long-term goal is to have a framework for the reconciliation process that would be an integral part of any future political agreement. One of our latest projects is “History Through the Human Eye,” about people’s narratives, and it shows what reconciliation would look like.

Womenetics: Do you believe there will ever be reconciliation between Israelis and Palestinians?
Damelin: If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t be doing what I’ve been doing. For me, I don’t think there’s another way. It’s the only way that makes sense.

Womenetics: How do Americans react to the Parents Circle?
Damelin: This is a very international message. Almost wherever I’ve gone I’ve had good feedback. There’s been quite a change in America. Before, you couldn’t say the word “occupation.” But I believe you must call the truth in this work, and the occupation has had an impact on the moral fiber of the Israeli culture. There’s a lot of support in America. We are constantly looking for financial support. I feel it on my shoulders. We can’t do our programming without it. One of the projects is an exhibition of cartoons from all over the world. It’s called “Cartooning in Conflict.” It’s a catalyst for people to talk.

Then, in September, the organization had the Blood Relations project. On Sept. 14, Israelis and Palestinians came together to donate blood together. (watch the YouTube video) We sent people to the U.N. to talk about it. There’s also a way to donate blood virtually.

Jan Jaben-Eilon was a founding staff writer of the Atlanta Business Chronicle. Since then, she has been the international editor of Advertising Age magazine and has written for such publications as The New York Times, International Herald Tribune, Washington Journalism Review, and Consumer Reports. She is the author of soon-to-be-published (There is) Life After Cancer. Jan and her husband have homes in Atlanta and Jerusalem.